Mine

Hey! My head was a bit rusty, so I thought it’d be a good idea to get some thoughts down. I cannot believe I have not blogged since my last post – not because I’m a frequent blogger, but because a lot has changed. Kinda, anyway.

So, I passed finals! I’m now a qualified medical doctor! Results day was emotional. I phoned my family, as I was away from home, and every responded in tears. Due to difficulties in the family – socially and economically – this achievement was and is really special. Following results, I visited Kuala Lumpur and Georgetown, Penang with a beloved family member. The trip was great. Not necessarily a break, but filled with food, talks, culture and thinking. I’m now back in my hometown ready to start work in a few months, and, to be honest, it’s a bit nerve-wrecking. Not in the traditional sense, however.

So, a lot has happened since I was 18. Understandably, it’s quite normal to look back at pre-university years once you’ve left. So much has changed, yet sometimes it feels the same. When I was in my teens, I would consider life to be tough for me. I’m trying to assess things rationally, as opposed to focusing on the negative (i.e. availability heuristic for you psychology majors!), but it does seem overwhelmingly negative when looking back at it. The main issues throughout my childhood that trouble me were: domestic violence and my mother dying, a lack of space (emotionally and physically) and a subsequent disinterest in my education – I had the ambition, but had no work ethic.

I’m so grateful for my ambition – especially in terms of my education, as I think it has helped me achieve so much academically and professionally. To be honest, aside from God, my aunt etc, all my success is directly due to my ambition. After being told so many times that I cannot achieve that university, job, whatever, due to nothing else but my identity (working class, person of color, essentially), it was my ambition that allowed me to bulldoze through life, take risk and believe in myself.

Anyway, since I’ve been back home – and accepted my first choice job in my hometown in order to be close to family and to save money for 2 years – things have been troubling me. Old demons, I guess. Some members of my family are overly involved in my life. Everyone’s life. Anthropologically, a lot of it stems from the family system in my community where decisions etc. surround the family. This social construct, juxtaposed with over-riding and controlling personalities, really causes me anxiety. To be clear, the family unit is beautiful. However, I do agree with a certain space to develop personally. Also, “Western” cultures are not immune to this construct. In fact, this social construct annoys me because, in my view, the the vast majority of society (wherever you’re from!) really does not question the reasons behind life living as we do. Why do we have to get married before 30? Why do we have to have 9-5 jobs? Why is it taboo to live life the way you want to? As long as everyone is stable financially and health-wise, why is it still taboo to move away with the intention to engage in positive societal change elsewhere? And, most importantly, why does anyone feel that they are entitled to impose these constructs onto others?

I know these questions are broad, but it’s the premise behind the question that’s been bothering me for a while. To be honest, I’m quite fine with this concept now. I’ve always done things the way I want – and that’s because I do feel I consider what’s best for all and by God when making decisions about my life, so I’m unapologetic with “doing me.” Even though I’ve dealt with this, I still feel troubled.

My best friend called me today and we talked an issue out – it was about my perception of dependence. Whenever someone I am not 100% close to – particularly, family members – do, what I consider, ‘big’ things for me (e.g. spending a huge some of money for my betterment), I feel incredibly uncomfortable. When speaking to my friend, we agreed that it was because I feel like: a) they may expect me to 100% consider their emotions when planning my own life – a sense of financial leverage, I guess? B) I may feel like I am indebted to them.

It’s a really weird concept for me because I do not feel this way when others perform acts of kindness towards me. I used to, but I do not anymore. I guess it might be bothering me now because I’ve moved back home, hence am dealing with certain individuals more often. Anyway, the other day, I felt very uncomfortable. Now, I require a car. I was offered a car by a family member. I felt indebted towards that family member. Almost like I was taking a loan! It’s ridiculous? I don’t know. But my friend said that I need to remind myself that this is just one act. I need to continue doing me.

The problem is the family construct I spoke about previously. Due to financial difficulties in the past, I have been constantly reminded by family members that I should be grateful to certain elders in my family. I have almost been indoctrinated to think that I am indebted to them. “Remember how much he has done for you” I am constantly told – even today. Especially when certain individuals behave badly – this is used as justification for that bad behavior. Well, at least it’s used as a neutralizer.

God, just as before, I think you’ve isolated me from others, so that I am dependent only on You in this situation. So that I realign my heart and soul towards You. I cannot speak to the family who are close to me. My siblings either agree with everything I say, but do not seem similarly affected by things or I feel uncomfortable about laying out my discomfort, as it may affect their interaction with certain elders. My aunt – who is my life – is very unhappy and confused by my analysis of the situation – or over-analysis in her opinion, so I think this is best avoided too.  Obviously the answer to my anxiety, my feelings of being indebted is in my relationship with God.

God, I am grateful for what he has done, e.g. finance the family, but I am NOT indebted to him. I need to stop stressing out about things in my family that I have no control over. As I say to others – and my younger self – you CANNOT change anyone, so change yourself, so that you do not feel uncomfortable/whatever negative emotion you’re feeling around them.

Yesterday I was feeling momentarily down. Maybe it was the feeling of lacking control of my own life? I’m a doctor, a researcher, I have my own interests. I am my own person. And that’s it.

God, I was trying to explain a custom to my friend who told me her culture had something similar! There’s a custom where, after a young person receives their first paycheck, they offer it to the oldest member of the family out of a sign of respect. This custom really made me feel anxious – I detested it! I realised that I do love the oldest member of my family – my grandma. She is a beautiful being. However, I do not like her when I associate her with certain members of my family – the ones I was referring to before. I feel like she is often a tool used by these members for their gain and that she often has no say.

To be honest, it’s still unclear to me why I detested the idea of the custom. Was it because I felt that, by offering my money to her, I am underlining that I am indebted to certain members of the family? That my livelihood is, in fact, not mine, but ours – and not out of choice. Was it the lack of control of MY livelihood, which I link to my life? Is it the fact that I feel like I have no say regarding this custom? I think it might be! Not the custom itself, but the imposition of this custom by society, by the members of my family.

I am not money hungry. Sure, I’d love a city apartment in the downtown area, but money is not my reason for living – it is my means. My means to get closer to God by stabilising my life and subsequently helping humanity. This is why I’m alive, so it’s not the money-thing that annoys me. It is the imposition. It is the concept that everything is “ours.” That my decisions are still “ours”. That my education was underline with this “ourness” because of the financial commitment that others offered me throughout medical school.

But God, this life is not ours. This life is mine. This life is mine and I will do my best to help humanity including my family. I just need to practise patience and focus on myself. My life is not ours. It is mine.

EDIT: Before I go, I need to remind myself to practise gratitude. Nothing in this life is all-good or all-bad – as Yasmin Mogahed reminds us. These family members are not all bad. In fact, they love me. They have bad habits, as defined by me, but they do love me. They want what is best for me, I think. They would do anything for me. I am not indebted to them in this way, but I am grateful for their support.