Different

How are you? I’m okay. I’ve finally had a weekend to relax – well, kind of. I’ve been working a lot lately and, thus, did not have a lot of time to myself. This weekend started off with a bang. There was an argument between a dear loved one and I and its remnants are still within my heart. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why. It brought up a discussion of old truths. I guess it just put all those emotions at the surface? You are what you think about, right?

I think I’ve stepped a bit farther from God inadvertently. My heart has been occupied with so much, but Him. I need another good sleep. I need some time in the morning to centre myself around Him. I need this moment right now to be centered around Him.

I feel like that conversation brought out a hole in my heart – a hole that I’m pretty sure is well-filled. This most likely occurred so that it forms a means to Him. I shall use it for a means to get closer to Him. Maybe I don’t need to analyse the situation per se, but need to work from it? Understand my vulnerability and my ultimate reliance on Him.

I also feel sad when I think about said relative. She is dear to me and I don’t want to lose her physically in life. Rationally, I have not lost her at all. I need to be grateful that I still have her in my life, as many have it so much worse (i.e. I’m sad about potentially losing someone in the near future, but have not lost this person at all? = I’m being negative; purely).

It’s obviously the devil playing tricks on my mind. I’m a young, ambitious doctor within a high-income country who loves learning about social issues, advocated for his community and wants to increase access to healthcare to the most vulnerable. That is me; me with all that privilege. So, why am I feeling this way?

It is a spiritual hole. A hole I must actively fill.

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